In my last post about Jonathan, I wondered how I’d handle turning 34. I talked about how I felt guilty for living past the age he lived. I expressed fear that I won’t do enough with the extra time I have. Well, the extra time keeps going – I turned 34 at the end of July.
I try to be as positive as possible about Jonathan, thinking about the good times and being thankful for the time we did get to share. But it’s just weird to now be in a phase of life he’ll never get to have. It’s strange, so strange, that his life ended and mine continues. Age is just a number, but to me, that number now represents the absence of my brother.
On previous birthdays, I was able to think about the good things Jonathan experienced when he was that age – the birth of his children, a great new job, etc. On this birthday, he just wasn’t there. I don’t want Jonathan’s absence to define him.
It’s not fair that he’s not here. I’ll never be okay with the fact that such an amazing man didn’t get to live a full life, to watch his children grow. Though I must accept his absence as fact, though it becomes more apparent as my life progresses, I will not let it become who he is. I will watch his children grow and delight in their adventures. I will think of him with joy.