Living Past 33 and a Half

ImageI feel very guilty about living past the age my brother, Jonathan, lived. He was almost 33 and a half years old when the tragedy of his death occurred. I’m now 33 years and 8 months old. I’m not sure how I’ll handle turning 34.

You know what else I feel? Fear. What if I’m not living my life to its fullest? Am I taking advantage of the time I have, the time that was taken away from him? I’m afraid that I won’t do enough with this extra time I have. And that won’t be fair to him. 

I wonder if this is a normal reaction for those who have lost adult siblings. I can’t be the only one feeling this. And it’s important to me that I put it out there, in case someone who feels the same is looking for validation.

Only time will determine what happens with this fear and guilt. For now, I’ll live the best way that I can, knowing Jonathan would just want me to be happy.

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One thought on “Living Past 33 and a Half

  1. Hi Ashley, Have you heard of Byron Katie and “The Work”? Your post made me think of it because you are suffering from your thoughts about the situation and yes you are right that Jonathan wouldn’t want that for you. Here is a link to her videos and to the right you will see one aptly called “I’m not living up to my full potential”. http://www.thework.com/watch.php?cat=watch&yid=GM4jtnR6pww She has many others that are fitting, including some on losing a loved one. Very powerful stuff. I hope it helps!

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