One of my favorite quotes is, “Love is watching someone die,” from Death Cab for Cutie’s song, “What Sarah Said.” I didn’t watch Jonathan die. In fact, I only visited DC once during the 6 months we knew he was really sick. I will never stop wishing I had been there more. I know he was scared. When I did see him in the hospital, he said that he was scared. I don’t know if I brought him any comfort – I truly didn’t believe he would die. I try to imagine how absolutely terrified he must have been, as if feeling the terror will somehow allow me to connect with him, make it better. But I can’t. I didn’t watch him die. Others did – Mom, Dad, Laura, the kids. Even Beth and Ben visited right before he died. Not me. I said I’d go back, but I didn’t. Not until he was already gone.
No matter what anyone says, no matter what my reasons, it’s not okay that I wasn’t there. It never will be. I’m spending my life trying to help others love because I couldn’t show Jonathan the love he deserved. He deserved for me to be with him earlier. He deserved for me to be there for him longer. And he deserved for me to be there more often. I wasn’t. Nothing anyone could ever say will make that okay.
If you wonder why it hurts so much for me to see people hating each other, this is why. I will not hurt anyone ever again. Please don’t ask me to.